Bring it Full or Bring it Empty
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: Hayate Ayasaki meets the members of Xcution. Hilarity ensues. Crack. Bleach x HnG crossover. Because why not?
1. Pilot

**Bring it Full or Bring it Empty**

A _Hayate the Combat Butler _x _Bleach _Crossover

By

EvilFuzzy9

"Because why the hell not?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This fic... This fic is pretty much pure, unadulterated crackfic. **

**I've kicked around idle notions of writing a fic like this for weeks, but it wasn't until Thanksgiving that my muses suddenly up and decided to strong arm me into writing this. It's not my best or most coherent work, having been typed up while I was going a period of withdrawal from my meds, but it's definitely one of my sillier ones. Honestly, I've neither reason nor excuse for this other than "why not?"**

**Mostly, this is just an excuse to write the members of Xcution doing whatever crazy shit enters my head. That, and crossover crack-pairings. In fact, it's honestly mostly just for the crossover crack-pairings.**

**Also, "Bring it full or bring it empty... Whatever you do, just_ bring it on!_" - random-ass quote about fullbring I came up with off the top of my head the other day that served as inspiration for story title, even if it has nothing to do with the actual contents of this fic.  
><strong>

**Disclaimer: I'm only doing this once, so there. I DON'T OWN ZILCH. THIS FIC IS A FAN-MADE THINGY. NOW GET OFF MY FRIGGIN' BACK, IMAGINARY MONKEY-LAWYERS! *Shakes fist* **

* * *

><p>Hayate Ayasaki meets the members of Xcution.<p>

Hilarity ensues.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Zero:<strong>

**Pilot  
><strong>

"Crack."

If one were to ask the members of Xcution why the mastermind behind their organization, Kūgo Ginjō, had ever thought this was a good idea, that would be their response.

Crack. Weed. Acid. Alcohol. _Some_ mind altering substance or other. Because the only explanation for it was that Ginjō must have been high as a kite.

Seriously, what had he been thinking?

"Hey, what the hell were you _thinking_, Ginjō?-!" Riruka demanded, poking the aforementioned Fullbringer in the chest. She had an irritated expression on her face. ... well, more irritated than usual, at any rate.

To be fair to Riruka, she had every right to be irritated with Xcution's official-slash-unofficial leader. After all, if it were not for his latest hare-brained scheme, the two of them would not currently be stuck handcuffed to a telephone pole.

"Don't worry," Ginjō coolly reassured the hot-headed cute-freak to whom he was chained. "This is all a part of my plan."

Riruka glared at him, eyes half-lidded. She was clearly not buying this. "... You really piss me off, you know that?"

Ginjō smiled sardonically. "Yes, I believe you've said this hundreds of times."

"Tch." Riruka looked off to the side. "Whatever..." she grumbled petulantly. "... but still! How did we even end up like this in the first place?-!"

"... ... ... I'm actually not really sure how, myself..." confessed Ginjō.

Riruka sighed. "Well this is just _great_..." she griped, "Here I am, a perfectly ADORABLE young woman, handcuffed to a telephone pole next to this nasty-looking idiot..."

"Hey, now," Ginjō interjected, "How am I 'nasty-looking'?"

Riruka looked at him like he was an idiot. "Tch! If you have to ask, then there's no point trying to explain it to you!" She said, getting right up in his face as she did so.

"Ah, excuse me..." said a new voice, "... but am I interrupting something?"

Riruka gave a start. "I-it's not what it looks like!-!" she exclaimed, frantically trying to pull away from Ginjō. "Whatever you think is happening, you're wrong! There's no way I'd ever be caught DEAD with someone this creepy!" she insisted, quickly moving away from her fellow Fullbringer.

... or trying to, at any rate. The handcuffs made it kind of difficult to put more than half a foot between her and Ginjō, though. And in her rush she ended up losing her footing and falling down on her rear end. Her skirt fluttered slightly. Her legs were spread apart somewhat awkwardly from the fall, giving the stranger a good, long look up her skirt.

"Ahh," the stranger muttered, half to himself, "What cute panties... I think milady might even have a pair like that..." the last part went unheard by Riruka and Ginjō, however.

Riruka's face flushed violently. Her temples throbbed dangerously. Leaping back up onto her feet, she glared at the stranger, pointing accusingly at him and shouting: "Hey, who do you think you are, looking up my skirt like that, you—!"

She then stopped, her brain finally catching up with her mouth even as her eyes finally registered what she was looking at.

That soft, fluffy blue hair... That strong yet lean build... That outfit... Those deep, soulful blue eyes... And that face... Ye gods, that _**face...!**_

_'OMIGOD, HE'S A HOTTIE!-!'_ she thought, once more falling on her ass in shock.

Hayate Ayasaki's eyes widened. "Oh my! Are you okay, miss?" he asked, holding his hand out to the fallen lady.

Riruka, blushing, reluctantly accepted the proffered hand. She murmured something unintelligible as he helped her back onto her feet.

Hayate's ears perked up. "Huh? What was that?"

Riruka, carefully avoiding meeting the concerned gaze of the handsome young man helping her, repeated herself, this time speaking more loudly and firmly. "C-c... Call me... Riruka..." she said softly, her blush deepening and her heart rate skyrocketing.

Ginjō simply sweat-dropped.

"Um... Are you sure you're okay...?" Hayate asked worriedly.

"... _please be gentle_..." the Magenta-haired lass whimpered, lost in a world of H-doki fantasies.

Hayate blinked. "?"

* * *

><p>[Narrio Wakamator: "Elsewhere, at the headquarters of Xcution in Naruki city..."]<p>

* * *

><p>Wealthy young heir and avid gamer Yukio frowned as he browsed the online scoreboards for one of his favorite videogames. "Hmm..." he muttered, "That's odd..."<p>

"What is?" asked fellow heir and avid drinker, Giriko Kutsuzawa, from across the room. As was the man's wont, he was standing behind Xcution's private bar, absent-mindedly wiping a glass that was already clean, and had been so for nearly twenty minutes by now.

He did not usually take any interest in Yukio's interests, but he was _bored_.

"I've been knocked from my place at the top of the online scoreboard for my favorite game..." Yukio replied. He then frowned. "Just who in the world is _mangachick3000ftw_...?"

* * *

><p>[Narrio Wakamator: "At the same time, at Nagi's apartment building..."]<p>

* * *

><p>Nagi Sanzen'in, former heiress of the Sanzen'in family, grinned victoriously as she surveyed the online scoreboards for the latest game she had been playing. "Heheheh..." she snickered, "That'll show that <em>invadersmustdie1337<em> jerk what a REAL gamer is capable of~"

* * *

><p>[Narrio Wakamator: "And back at the Xcution headquarters..."]<p>

* * *

><p>Yukio's expression darkened. "Well, whoever they are, they're about to learn what a REAL gamer is capable of," he said, his eyes glowing with determination.<p>

Pulling out his PSP, he powered it up and inserted the game his dominance of which was being threatened. Drawing on his spiritual power, he focused on the "soul" of his favorite portable game console, causing the screen to glow a light green as he invoked the power of fullbring to maximize his synergy with his PSP.

Some might say it was cheating to use the power of fullbring to improve his gaming abilities. But Yukio would say that there was nothing wrong with using his natural talents to give himself an edge.

"_Invaders Must Die_," he muttered.

* * *

><p>[Narrio Wakamator: "Meanwhile, in Soul Society..."]<p>

* * *

><p>The air was filled with the sound of crackling and rushing as flames engulfed the barracks of the eleventh division.<p>

Yachiru Kusajishi, diminutive pink-haired lieutenant of the eleventh division, stared at the inferno which was currently raging in the dedicated kitchen for the eleventh division, where was located the presently burning remnants of the facilities for preparing the vast quantity of food and booze necessary to fuel the most rambunction division of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. Smelling the acrid odor of badly burnt chocolate cake, and seeing the black smoke pouring from the room, she blinked.

"Oops." Then, after a moment or two of watching the _pretty_ fire consume what little remained of the kitchen and spread to the rest of the barracks, she got bored and wandered off to do something else.

* * *

><p>Shūkūro "Shū-chan" Tsukishima, standing on the roof of a building overlooking the place where his partner and one of their pawns were handcuffed to a telephone pole, smiled in amusement as he watched the girl fawn over the newest prospective addition to Xcution (not that <em>she <em>was aware of that, mind you). It was always amusing to watch her swing between _tsun-tsun_ and _dere-dere_ like someone with a bipolar personality disorder. Something he found less amusing, however, was the fact that the person over whom Miss Dokugamine was fawning like a love-sick schoolgirl, on further inspection, looked to be nearly as pretty as himself.

It was a little-known fact, but Tsukishima was immensely proud of his looks. He was well aware that he was one of the bishi-est bishōnen to ever bish, and he was secretly a big enough narcissist to give even the fifth-seat officer of the Eleventh division of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads, Yumichika Ayasegawa, a run for his money (thankfully, the two had never met and -God willing- never _would_). The thought that anyone could possibly match his pretty boy looks... Well, that was probably his only berserk button.

But that boy down there... That young man and potential Fullbringer whom Ginjō hoped to recruit to their cause...

Tsukishima scowled in spite of himself. Riruka had never acted like that over _him_...[**1**]

_'What's so great about that fluffy, impoverished-looking bastard, anyways? I mean, aside from __that soft, silky blue hair... and that strong yet lean build... and that outfit... and those deep, soulful blue eyes... and that face... Oh, ye gods, that _**face...!**_'_

Tsukishima blushed in spite of himself. Okay, so maybe he could see why Riruka was so smitten with the fellow... That sexy, _gorgeous_ fellow...

He shivered viscerally. Sitting down to avoid losing his balance and falling off the building, Shūkūro "Shū-chan" Tsukishima quickly lost himself in dirty, H-doki fantasies of a decidedly yaoi leaning.

* * *

><p>[<strong>1<strong>]: Do note that this is not because Tsukishima has any particular feelings for Riruka – it is wholly a matter of pride for him.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I have no excuse for that last bit with Tsukishima, other than the perverse insistence on the part of my muses that random guys being yaoi for Hayate is funny. That, and the phrase "bishi-est bishōnen to ever bish" was just too damn funny _not_ to use.**

**That said, I'm doubtful whether I'll do anything more with this. I've got enough on my plate as it is (been stuck on the next chapter of _How to Prevent a Coup_ for friggin' ever, and the next chappie of _ONNHc_ is currently just a half-finished jumble of incomplete, barely-connected scenes, never mind all the RL stuff I should really be dealing with...) **

**Well, TTFN and R&R! **

**(seriously, please review. If not this fic, then one of my others. I know it's silly and undignified to ask up front for reviews, but it's ALSO really friggin' hard to motivate my lazy ass slowpoke self to work on my fics when I don't get any feedback on them. _...heck, even when I DO get feedback, it's still damn near impossible to get my ass into gear..._)  
><strong>


	2. A Good Day to You, Too!

**Bring it Full or Bring it Empty**

A _Hayate the Combat Butler _x _Bleach _Crossover

By

EvilFuzzy9

"Because why the hell not?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I didn't realize it until a while after I'd posted the first chapter, but the very same day that I posted the first chap of this with that reference **_**Uninvited Guests**_** by Moczo, the final chapter of **_**Uninvited Guests**_** was also uploaded. **

**Spooky...**

* * *

><p>Hayate Ayasaki meets the members of Xcution.<p>

Hilarity ensues.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter One:<strong>

**A Good Day to You, Too!**

Kūgo Ginjō groaned. Riruka Dokugamine whined. Hayate Ayasaki smiled.

The three of them were standing on the sidewalk in one of the less frequented parts of town. It was a particularly hot and muggy early summer morning. The air was humid, heavily saturated with moist vapors, and the bright, hot sun was beating down on their heads. The heat was _dreadful_.

Ginjō was sweating like a pig under his black leather jacket. It was the worst kind of weather for him to be dressing as he was, but his stubbornness prevented him from dressing practically when he could be dressing dramatically. His entire wardrobe was built around a theme of leather and fur -all in black and white- as a way to enhance his image as a mysterious rebel, after all, and he needed to maintain that image at all times for the sake of his nebulous Plan.

Riruka, in contrast with Ginjō, was notably less afflicted by the heat and humidity. Her choice in clothing -the mini-dress in particular- was better suited to the temperature, as a breeze between one's legs was an excellent way to keep one feeling relatively cool and fresh. So for her, it was not the heat that was a nuisance so much as it was being handcuffed to a telephone pole next to Ginjō. Who was horribly sweaty and smelly and disgusting.

_ Ugh._

Hayate, in contrast with the other two, was in a pleasant, amicable mood. The heat and humidity were no issue to him. He had, after all, spent many long hours at a time in his youth working himself into the ground under far worse conditions. And unlike the other two, he was not chained to the telephone pole, either. Also, he may or may not have caught a rare glimpse of Maria in casual clothes, the humidity causing the t-shirt to cling to her form in a cruelly alluring fashion. Thus, the butler was feeling cheerful and happy and personable this fine morrow.

Now, as Hayate was observing the actions and interactions of these two strangers who were currently handcuffed to each other and the telephone pole, an interesting thought popped into his head. _'Could it be like... __that__?' _he wondered. Briefly, he frowned. _'Maybe...'_

He shook his head to clear it. Then, going "hem, hem" to clear his throat, he said, "Ah, are you two stuck?"

Riruka, snapping from dere-dere to tsun-tsun, stared disbelievingly at the bluenette, looking at him like he was a complete and utter _moron_. After nearly of minute of this, she finally deigned to respond. "Of course we are! What, do you think we do this for _fun?-!_"

Hayate looked at her, uncertainty evident in his expression. "... Maybe?"

Riruka flushed angrily. "No!" she snapped, "Not with a nasty-looking creep like _him_, at least!" she declared, sharply jabbing an index finger in Ginjō's direction.

Ginjō tried to summon the energy to glower at Riruka for this latest comment. Drawing upon the deep wells of physical and spiritual energy afforded to him by his considerable age and experience as both a fullbringer and a (substitute) soul reaper, he called forth the full brunt of his strength to make his displeasure known.

"You _suck_, Dokugamine-san," he groused wearily. Under his breath, he then added: "...and not in the _fun _way, either..."

Riruka socked him in the jaw with her free hand. "SHADDUP!" she snapped.

Hayate simply sweat-dropped.

* * *

><p>Ayumu Nishizawa looked at the reading on the bathroom scale.<p>

[REDACTED] kilograms. [REDACTED]. Kilograms.

How the hell could she _possibly_ weigh [REDACTED] kilograms?-! [**1**]

"Did... did my hair-clips somehow gain three kilograms[**2**]?"

* * *

><p>"Free at last! Free at last!" Riruka cheered, jumping for joy and twirling gaily as she revelled in her newly restored freedom of movement. "Praise be, praise be, I'm free at last!"<p>

Ginjō rolled his eyes at Riruka's behavior, rubbing the spot on his wrist where the handcuffs had been. Those things chafed like nobody's business. When he was done with that, he gave the giddy, magenta-eyed lass a Look that promised trouble if she continued acting like a sugar-high idiot.

Then, sparing a grateful nod for the blue-haired prospective recruit who had picked the locks on the handcuffs, he directed a kick at the shins of his hyperactive, bipolar partner-slash-minion-slash-sex-slave (that last thing was a work in progress, but Tsukishima assured him that it would only be a matter of time). When she spun around to glare at him, he simply reach up to his collarbones and subtly fiddled with his cross pendant in a decisively meaningful fashion.

Like hitting a light switch, Riruka's anger immediately disappeared in light of her instincts for self-preservation reasserting themselves. After all, she was no fool. Nuh-uh. She was NOT going to be spitted on Kūgo's _Cross of Scaffold_ like a meatball on a shish-kebab. Not today.

Hayate, watching the curiously subtle interaction between these two eccentrically-dressed strangers and seeing some unspoken communication pass between them, felt himself instinctively tense up. _'What are they doing... Was this a trap...?'_ he wondered warily. _'Are they planning to ambush me?'_

It was, he would freely admit, perhaps unlikely that this was true, and it was also probably quite rude and paranoid of him to think so, but long years of experience with everyone from debt collectors to The Mob trying to ambush him or his family (for any number of assorted reasons) had cultivated in him a certain umpteenth sense for detecting trouble (double or not). And if there was just one middle name between those two, it was "Trouble".

Taking a step back, Hayate covertly analyzed his surroundings and calculated his best possible options for if and when the shit hit the fan. There was an alleyway that he could probably slip into a few meters behind him, but seeing as how he had little familiarity with the layout of this town, doing so could very easily prove a fatal mistake on his part should the worst come to pass. Across the street was a chain link fence which cordoned off an old, abandoned-looking warehouse that he could probably lose them in if it came down to a chase. Past the two strangers, a ways down the road, was a bob-tailed semi truck parked diagonally across the street in what was almost certainly a violation of numerous traffic laws. If he took a good running leap, he could likely jump clear over the back of it with little difficulty while the other two would be forced to circumnavigate it, giving him a precious few extra seconds of lead to work with.

He then turned his attention back to the two strangers. They did not seem _too _tough (the guy was honestly a bit of a spaz, never mind the girl), but he had been fooled by similar acts before. He would not let himself be fooled like that again. But either way, he would _probably_ be able to fight them off, if it came down to that.

Hayate was not the sort to brag or indulge in arrogance, but he knew full well that he was strong – FAR stronger than most people – and skilled. And he knew that that incredible, uncanny strength and skill meant that, outside of extreme cases like Makina (the phantom scars on his chest and abdomen ached just _thinking_ about it), he was effectively unbeatable in a fight. He did not LIKE to fight, now, but he knew that the odds would most likely be on his side in the event that a scuffle should break out.

Then, as Hayate was mentally evaluating potential combat scenarios, something happened that he had not expected to happen. He was glomped from above by a (very grabby) black-haired bishōnen.

It seemed he would have to re-evaluate his opinions on this day.

Let's see... Maria in revealing casual clothes?

_'Niiiiice.' _

Effeminate young man grabbing his ass?

_'Not so nice.'_

Maria in revealing casual clothes?

_'Good news!'_

Leather jacket guy making a big damn great-sword magically appear in his hand and stalking towards him with menacing intent?

_'Bad news.'_

Maria in revealing casual clothes?

_ 'To die for.'_

Effeminate young man and leather jacket guy double-teaming him with their swords (where did the second guy get that katana?) and stabbing him through the chest from behind and before?

_'To die for.'_

Overall assessment?

_'Yeah, still a better than average day.'_

* * *

><p>[<strong>1<strong>]: I'm not even gonna TRY and come up with a figure to enter there. Partly because of gross unfamiliarity with the metric system in everyday use, and partly because it just seems like it would be somehow improper. Like how you're never ever EVER supposed to ask a lady her weight.

Or her age.

Or her bra size.

But mostly the weight thing.

[**2**]: 6.6 lbs, for those of us who are less than entirely familiar with the metric system (i.e., _me_).

And yes, this scene is referencing chapter 347 of the HnG manga. I fell _weeks_ behind on that, so I only just now got around to reading that chapter. That whole bit with the hair-clips was just too funny. (also: _"Squee! Nishizawa~!-! :heart:"_)

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I've gotta say, I liked how that last bit turned out. It could be interpreted in a few different ways and still be funny any way you look at it. **

**And I know that I said I was probably not going to update this fic unless I got an overwhelmingly positive response (or, honestly, any response at all) but the Kyōraku x Kyōkotsu oneshot I've been working on has swelled to ridiculous length (i.e., over 8000 words) and It's still not finished, and I've not posted anything in a while, and I've been in a **_**Bleach **_**sort of mood but did not want to leave HnG hanging. So... yeah.**

**[This chapter added 12-19-2011]**

**TTFN and R&R!**


End file.
